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the archive(s):
issue no. 6:
Carrots/ Johnathan Thackray
Way back in the day all they ate was carrots. Nobody never ate nothin' else. Some liked 'em like this, others liked 'em like that, but baked, boiled, or burnt; they loved 'em! He plant the carrots, eat the carrots, go home and fuck the wife. And that's how it was done back then, and them bastards loved it! So I 'spose nothin' much happened for awhile, you could say, what with everyone eatin' them carrots and seein' real good and all. Then some ol' joe come down their way from parts afar. Least that's where they 'spected him from, cause they never seen him before. Well he looked the same and all, and talked the same talk, and he set himself a house right nearby which didn't seem to bother them other folk much. But see now this new guy had a different way of gettin' things done. See he goes down to his garden and he plants himself a coupla potatoes. And them other folk just wasn't sure they was seein' things right, so they put on their boots and they strut on up to his house in some kinda temper. They had themselves a look into his garden, and at the potatoes, and I 'spose they got mad somethin' fierce, 'cause they got themselves into his house and hauled him on out and down the street. They were screamin' about carrots, and potatoes, and cookin', and some other things like ruttin' and money. All in all the 'ol joe he don't really understand what they're gettin' at but he's going along with it, seein' as how they're carryin' him and all. They set him down 'neath the apple tree at the bottom of the hill and started hollerin' all kinds of crazy things, first at the stranger, then they kinda started yellin' at each other, all about what they were gonna do and what they should be eatin' and everythin'. They got all uppity and before anyone could catch a breath they had a noose 'round his neck. He's pleadin' his case as they hitch the rope up 'round the apple tree, but that jury adjourns when the rope tightens. So up he goes and the people all stand there and watch his legs kickin' round and they all settle down and get all quiet till they can hear him dyin'. He goes all loose rockin' back and forth, and the sun kicks through between swings, making it hard for them to keep their eye on him. One of them blinks and looks up into the tree, askin' where the apples came from.
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